Albus and Tom, A Tea Time Story
by Moose on mars
Summary: This is a parallel story to Thanks for the Socks. Dumbledore and Voldemort become friends over tea. Interior decorating, Versace, Dance Dance Revolution, and the Britney Spears Center for the Dark Arts ensues. Es Finito!
1. Tea

This is parallel to Thanks for the Socks. It's about Dumbledore. Right then let's be off.

Albus and Tom, A Tea Time Story

Dumbledore's office lay in ruins. He sat there staring for a long time after Harry had left. The antique desk was ruined, there were scratches all over the sides and top.

"Oh no...That was from the 3rd century," Dumbledore whined. All the wood paneling on the walls was scratched, the furniture was torn, and his books were all on the floor with some of the pages ripped out. Dumbledore was extremely upset. All of these belongings Harry had destroyed weren't replaceable. He would never get another birthday card from Ferdinand Magellan, nor would he be able to replace the lingerie set Merlin had bought him. The recipe for the Philosopher's Stone was burnt, and his only copy of How to Act like You Know Everything by Cirrus Granger lay in a smoldering pile on the floor.

Dumbledore began to cry. After the students went home for the holidays, Albus just sat in his office for hours upon hours. He stared at all the irreparable damage. Everything in there was antique, all of it priceless. Sometimes he cried, and other times he just spaced out.

Back at the Britney Spears Center for the Dark Arts, Voldemort was worried. He hadn't received any hate mail from Albus Dumbledore in over a month. He was usually sent at least one letter from Dumbledore a week. They usually said things that were extremely hurtful to Voldemort, nonetheless, Voldemort was worried. He stared down at one of the letters Dumbledore had written him:

Dear Ugly Dark Lord,

You are a poop. I hate your guts. I hope you have loose bowels tomorrow. You're a meany, and deserve to eat dung.

Anonymous

"Your majesty, I have a plan!" Lucius came bursting through the door into Voldemort's office. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO KNOCK!" Voldemort bellowed at a cringing Lucius, "That's it! You have to clean the loo for the entire week!"

"No, please, my lord. Crabbe and Goyle are staying over this weekend. You know what a mess they make, please my lord," Lucius was groveling and begging. "Lucius, you know I have no mercy, especially concerning people barging in on me. You'll understand some day, once you are almost a Dark Lord. Since I'm immortal, you can only become an almost Dark Lord. Muahahanyway, what was it you barged in for?"

"Well, you know the number of Aurors who have tried to investigate our head quarters has been extremely high. I for one am tired of giving lap dances to hide what's really going on. It probably doesn't help that there is a sign outside under the address with 'The Dark Lord's Headquarters' on it. So I have devised a plan. We are going to drill under my house. It will be underground! How cool is that!"

"That is pretty sweet, Lucius. How kind of you to sacrifice your house, but I wont permit it. Narcissa's cookies are absolutely marvelous. I wouldn't want to associate with her for her own safety, and to keep the a generous supply of cookies. How about we do it somewhere on your property. You do, after all, own about 520 acres of land. "

"Okay! "

"Well then, that's settled. Go clean the loo," Lucius grimaced and left silently, not wanting to clean the loo for another week.

Voldemort decided to go see if the old fool had finally died. He apparated into Hogsmead, forgetting he was still in his pajamas. He looked down, roared, and changed into a sweeping cape with tight leather pants and no shirt with a flick of his wand. "Not the look I was going for, but I guess it will work for now," Voldemort thought to himself while gliding towards the castle. Dumbledore forgot to lock the front door, and Voldemort opened it cautiously. _Wow,_ Voldemort thought, _if I knew infiltrating Hogwarts was this easy, I would've had that Potter boy a long time ago. What a waste of my life. Doom Doom doom. Ah, here it is. _The Dark Lord had arrived at the gargoyle. He, after all, had been the head boy, and knew where the headmaster's office was. Now all he had to do was think of a password.

"This makes things rather difficult," He said to himself, "What would I use as my password? Hmmm... Buttercup...? Damn. Daisies...? shit. Oh Herpes! I give," He was cut off by the sound of the gargoyle moving. "Muahahaha, I am the master of the universe!" Voldemort ran up the stairs and burst through the doors.

You could say he was more than surprised at the sight he met. Albus Dumbledore was sitting in a corner bawling. "Ahem," Voldemort cleared his throat and Dumbledore looked up, "Sorry to bother you and all, but I was wondering what had happened to the hate mail? Are you all right?"

"I haven't the time, Tom, look at this place. And no, I'm not all right," Dumbledore whined. "What happened to this place?" Voldemort inquired. "Harry Potter is what happened, a hormonal teenage boy. I mean, this office will never be the same. The original decorator is dead. I doubt I can find another interior decorator up to the same standard." "I see, why don't I make some tea, and we'll have a little chat about it? How does that sound?" "Good, I guess," Dumbledore replied sulkily.

Throughout tea, Voldemort and Dumbledore chatted about a multitude of different things. Voldemort had given Dumbledore the business card of a very prestigious designer, Versace. Voldemort and Dumbledore had exchanged numbers and decided to meet each other for tea tomorrow and call this versace. According to Voldemort, Lucius had called this Versace person and had his whole house redone; and it had turned out fabulous.

"Soo, I'll come over for tea around two?"

"Yes, excellent. Thank you for stopping by." The twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes had returned, and for the first time in a month, Dumbledore left his office.


	2. Ecklecterisity

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome. Please keep in mind that this _is _a parody, and everything mentioned is extremely preposterous and ridiculous. I'd like to keep it that way. I am quite aware of the Harry Potter books, so I do realize the absurdity of most of their actions. Thank you to my reviewers Lupinlover88, Peeves' Pal, and Nota Lone for doing the obvious. Thank you and Enjoy the show!

Two weeks after Tom had found Dumbledore crying...

Voldermort stormed through Hogwarts until he arrived at the seventh floor. He stopped for a second and looked at the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy before turning and opening a door.

"It's wonderful to see you again, Volderz."

"Ah, Dumbley, you too."

"Have a seat," Dumbledore motioned to a comfy chair directly across from him at a small table. There were muffins, rolls, and scones across the table along with two small teapots, milk, and sugar. Dumbley had called this Versace person, and they had completely redecorated the headmaster's office. Dumbledore was so pleased with the 'new look' he had the common rooms of all the houses redone, as well as some of the hallways. The price was fairly inexpensive as well.

Voldemort and Dumbledore had been meeting for tea everyday, and were becoming fast friends. That summer, Dumbledore and Voldemort had been on a shopping trip, when they got lost in a muggle city.

(Cue: dramatic music, Cue: dream swirly flashback effects)

Flashback:

"Dammit, Albus, we've been stumbling around in circles for hours. We're so lost, and we can't even use magic because the ministry will receive word of magic in a muggle area and investigate," Voldemort (or Tom Riddle as he, with the help of Dumbledore, managed to get his devilishly good teenage looks back with the use of light magic) sighed dramatically.

"Why don't we go into one of these stores and ask where we are, and see if we can find a way from there," Dumbledore replied. "Fine," Volderz resigned, knowing that they would continue to be lost if they didn't ask someone. The store that Dumbledore and Voldemort turned into happened to be a computer and electronics store. (A/N: muwahahahaha)

They were immediately astounded by what the store contained. Five hours later, A store employee named James was looking exhaustedly at Albus and Tom. James had spent the last 4 hours and 50 minutes explaining a computer, X-box, playstation, Cd's and Cd players, Dvd players, Movies, the internet, and a bunch of other muggle items to the pair.

Voldemort was staring down at his cart full of electronics, when he realized that the Brittney Spears center for the Dark Arts didn't have 'ecklecteristy' or electricity. "Damn," Voldemort said and Dumbledore looked up questioningly, "I don't have ecklecteristy, how the hell am I supposed to use this stuff. Nor do I have the Infernet, which seems like an excellent way of spreading my evil." Dumbledore thought for a bit before replying, "Perhaps we can magic some eclectricity, and as for spreading evil on the interanet, I doubt most wizards even know about this." "They will now! Muahahaha! Um, I probably shouldn't laugh like that in public, um..." "No, you shouldn't."

The next day found Dumbledore and Voldemort in the dining hall playing Dance Dance Revolution (aka DDR). They had bought an enormous plasma screen and had hooked up the playstation first. They were having a dance off, and neither of them had stopped in the past 14 hours.

"Lets...Just...Call...This...A...Tie," Dumbledore breathed.

"Fine," Voldemort replied as they clumsily shook hands before collapsing.

End of Flashback

After Dumbledore and Voldemort had finished tea, played laser tag in the Slytherin dungeons, and had jam session in the Hufflepuff common room, they went down to the dining hall to continue Dance Dance Revolution as they did every night at five o'clock.

After two hours of heavy dancing, Voldemort said goodnight, and flooed out of the headmaster's office. Dumbledore went online and ordered 8 more playstations, 8 more DDR games, and 16 more DDR playing pads.

Dumbledore played Harpsichord and Organ, Voldemort on Guitar, Peeves on Drums, and the Bloody Baron on triangle.

Review please, it brightens my day, and makes me write faster. Until Next time...


	3. The Return To Hogwarts

Mucho Thanks to my only reviewer:

**p.c.andrews**

This one is for you:

Two weeks later, Dumbledore woke up on the floor in the Hufflepuff common room. He glanced around the room. Tom was passed out on the couch across from him. Someone was asleep in the fireplace. Several other unconscious people were littered about the room. The only other person up was this weird bloke named Marilyn who showed up. Almost all the tables lay in splinters. There was a hole in the door to the boy's dormitories where a keg was thrown through. There was a guitar imbedded in the wall, along with half of the drum set, and the Harpsichord was in pieces throughout the room. Marilyn walked over and handed him a plate of scrambled eggs and a fork. "I'm not quite sure where I am, but I managed to find the kitchens. I think I'm hallucinating though, I saw these little green goblins running around in there," Marilyn Manson said curiously. "You must be," Dumbledore replied. Albus turned to his eggs, and when Marilyn's back was turned he did a quick 'poison check' spell. Hmm, I'll have to get Versace to come in next Friday, I suppose the Hufflepuff's can stay in the Great Hall."

Flash back:

Tom and Albus had invited some people they knew over for a jam session. Around 15 people had shown up, including a muggle band. It all started out great, they did some quick duplication charms on the instruments, and proceeded to play. The house elves ran screaming out of the castle, and hid in the forest. A nearby town thought the apocalypse was here, and being Hogwarts, a nearby town wasn't that near. Nine Inch Nails had shown up with several others bearing kegs. The din stopped while everyone became raucously drunk, and broke everything. Dumbledore was dancing on the table, someone was playing the harpsichord, and Tom was brawling with a couple of people. Marilyn Manson showed up with his band in pleather jumpsuits.

Several hours later, Dumbledore and Tom were bidding goodbye to the 30 some guests who had passed out at Hogwarts. "Tea time," Albus mumbled to Tom, and they made their way to the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. Several days passed with both Albus and Tom meeting everyday for tea. One day, the topic of the new school year was brought up.

"I've been so caught up with our meetings and our muggle devices that I haven't even found a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor," Dumbledore complained, "Would you do it? I mean we could find you a proper disguise and all. It's a bit foolish though, but you do have a way with kids."

"I'll consider it," Tom said thoughtfully, "I suppose I could concentrate on Dark creatures, but I think you'll have to find someone else to teach defense against dark spells."

"Excellent, now that that is settled, let's enjoy the tea. Shit, I have to write and opening speech for tomorrow. Plus, the O.C. coincides with the feast. Dammit," Albus was in a grumpy mood again. "Perhaps you could make the speech short, and storm out of there or something. Hey, do you mind if I stay over tomorrow night to watch the O.C. with you, my cable is broken?" Riddle asked, he really didn't want to have to watch it at Lucius' house. "Of course," Dumbledore replied.

The next day, Dumbledore ran about the castle yelling at people. He was upset about the Hufflepuff dormitory, the fact that he still hadn't finished Kill Bill 2, and there was a chance he might miss the O.C. tonight (it was an extremely important episode, as Summer and Cohen were getting back together). Tom wasn't even there to reason with his pointless raging. He bit peeves, yelled at the suits of armor, and pushed the bloody baron through a wall. Being Dumbledore, he was able to touch the ghosts, but he only really threw things at Moaning Myrtle when she wasn't looking.

He stood up quickly made his announcement, embarrassed Colin Creevy, and departed. He made his way to his office, Voldie was already waiting in on of the chairs. He pressed his want to a brick, and immediately the office was transformed into a mini theatre.

"That episode was quite exquisite," Volderz remarked,"All right, I must be off. See you on Sunday for Desperate Housewives!" Dumbledore walked back to the Dining Hall, he had forgotten to inform the Hufflepuffs they would be sleeping on the floor until Saturday, not that they would care. He embarrassed Creevy again, and stalked off to find Minerva.

The morning was rather boring, he introduced Voldemort as Professor Riddlemort, a name he wittily thought of himself. _Hhaha, they don't even know who's teaching them. Oh look, there's Harry. We have to have a chat, I need him to put itching powder in the Creevy kid's bed. He's been snooping in my underwear drawer again._ Dumbledore accidentally spilled to the entire school the night of the drunken violence in the Hufflepuff common room. _That Manson creature is still lurking around here, so I suppose it's good I informed them. Aha, there he is. The Slytherin dungeons, I might have guessed so. It appears he is getting along well with Snape. Not surprising at all._ Dumbledore closed up his equivalent of Marauder's Map, and flooed off to the Britney Spears Center for the Dark Arts. He returned 10 minutes later with Volderz to have another dance off. They had moved the plasma screen and the spare DDR controls to an empty classroom, guarded by fluffy. As it was the first day, Voldemort didn't bother to show up to classes.

Two hours later, they were back in the Headmaster's office chatting. There was a soft knock on the door. "Well I'd better get packing, if I'm going to be taking up residence here tomorrow," Voldemort bid good bye, and left. "Enter," Dumbledore said. Harry Potter, Hermione, and Ron entered. "Why is your password herpes?" Ron blurted out. Hermione glared at him, and said, "Ronald Weasely, you will pay for that comment later. In private," She giggled.

The lovely trio of friends had changed a bit over the summer. Hermione and Ron seemed to have an open, S/M relationship. Hermione now wore pleather corsets, short pleather skirts, and knee high boots, you couldn't really tell because she wore school robes over general attire. She was still the same bright girl, just changed a bit on the outside. Ron's appearance was completely changed as well. He now sported a spiked collar, a pleather tank top, and just boxers under his school robes. His red hair had black streaks through it, reminding Dumbledore of Halloween.

"I'm not sure why, I think Filch set my password over the summer. He was rather upset about some muggle disease he received. Anyway, my dumplings, why are you here?" Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling.

"Umm..." Harry started, but Hermione cut in. "Professor Riddlemort missed our class today." "Ahh, yes," Dumbledore replied, "He wasn't feeling too well, and needed to get a few things packed up before he takes up residence here. He will only be sleeping here the days he teaches, but he still needs to retrieve his belongings."

"Oh ok," Harry said brightly. "Ooh, Harry, by the way, would you mind putting some of this itching powder in Colin Creevy's bed?" Dumbledore asked. "Not at all," Harry responded, "I'm sure Hermione and Ron'll help too." "Of course we will," Hermione stated. "Excellent, most excellent, that bastard has been going in my underwear drawer again. He stole a little number I got from Minerva last summer," Dumbledore continued. Ron jumped up, "Too much information," he yelled before running out. "Bye, Headmaster," Harry and Hermione called, and followed Ron out.


	4. To Do:

Really short chapter! Sorry, I need to catch up "Thanks for the Socks" to match the same time as "A tea time story". Please review anyways. Hehe. Thanks to my wonderful reviewers:

**EponineWeasley: **thanks for the encouragement!

**p.c. andrews:** I'm glad you checked back with this story too! I know, Riddlemort, so discreet.

**Fragonknight01: **Hehe, I thought Marilyn was a nice touch too. Thanks!

After the lovely trio had visited, Voldemort burst throught the door. "Dumbles, it appears we have a problem, see I kinda had a bit of a snogfest with Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy. I don't really want to teach those horrible things they call children, and see I kinda pawned off the Defense Against the Dark Arts position..." He was cut of by Dumbledore's urgent voice, "God, no! Not Snape?" "No," Riddle continued, "Not Snape, Fred and George." Dumbledore sighed with relief, "Oh thank goodness, It doesn't really matter, as long as Snape isn't teaching that post. I like torturing him by not giving him the job." Albus and Tom continued to chat contentedly for another 5 minutes before Volderz flooed home.

_Well, _Dumbledore thought,_ I suppose it's best that the Dark Lord doesn't teach Defense Against the Dark Arts_. _At least I'll see him on Sundays for tea, not to mention our Saturday shopping trips. It would have been nice to have him around for a while longer though, he's so wise sometimes._ Little did Dumbledore know, Tom Riddle was thinking the same thing. The exact same thing, and I mean it, the EXACT SAME THING. Anyway.

Dumbledore hoped he could get in 2 hours of sleep tonight, but he was _extremely_ busy. He had to finalize the changes in the common rooms, they still hadn't gone into effect. He wanted to shock the students. Albus stared down at his planner:

1) Call caterer for Dance Party

2) See Minerva about dinner plans on Saturday (Tomorrow)

3) See Harry about Malfoy

4) Phone Tom about 'Desperate Housewives

_That's right, How could I forget! _ Albus chided himself, _ I have a meeting with the Costa Rican president the exact same time 'Desperate Housewives' is on! Perhaps I could Tivo it? Yes, that should work. Excellent!_ Dumbledore continued to look at his planner:

5) Schedule meeting with American ambassador to Cuba concerning embargo

6) Get computer machine repairman to fix blasted machine

7) Ask Fred and George Weasley about D.A.D.A post

8) Ask Fred and George Weasley to do something about Colin Creevy

9) Fix Hufflepuff common room

10) Call Versace to organize the rest of the common rooms

11) Remind Filch we can't expel Peeves, while knowing that we very well are able to.

12) Organize conference with Giant Squid (Marvin) in lake

13) Throw blunt objects at Myrtle

14) Fix Hookah

15) Confuse Cornelius Fudge

16) Blackmail Cornelius Fudge

17) Blackmail Ludo Bagman

Dumbledore sighed as he peered down at the incredibly long list, and began to telephone a caterer for the Dance Party. He sent an owl to Minerva, and Harry. He picked up the telephone, and dialed the number to the Britney Spears Center for the Dark Arts.

"Good Evening, you've reached the Britney Spears Center for the Dark Arts, Nott speaking. How may I help you?"

"Ah yes, this is Dumble-albus," Dumbles chuckled at the code name Tom and he had created, "Is the Dark Lord there?"

"Yes, hold on a moment while I connect your call," Nott replied.

"Heyy! Albus!" Dumbledore heard Voldie's voice, "What's cracking?"

"Ohhh, Not much," Dumbles replied, "It's just that, I realized I have a meeting with the Costa Rican president the same time as 'Desperate Housewives', I Know! It's awful, but I'll Tivo it and we could watch it later."

"Quick thinking, so I'll come over around 10 then?"

"Yeah, that would be great. Ok, see you then!"

"Bye, Albus, see you then!"

Click.

Dumbledore was humming in his office, crossing off his accomplished tasks. Dumbledore checked his watch, and began to calculate what time it was in the States. He concluded it was around 6 p.m., and he then phoned the American ambassador to Cuba. They scheduled a phone meeting for Monday. He remembered he could just do a simple 'reparo' charm on the computer, and then set about e-mailing Fred and George. He e-mailed Versace about a meeting tomorrow, and set off into the corridors to find Filch and the rest of his evening. Things were looking good.


	5. Pimpin in Style

**Hey guys. This story is a fun story, but it's taking my inspiration away from my other main story. So This is the end, my only friend. The end. Okay... anyway. It's the Dance Party conclusion. Well thanks to everyone to reviewed. All three of you. Just kidding, I know there were more, but not many. 333333 Moose.**

Dumbledore woke up the next day. Friday. The day of THE dance party. Dumbledore said to himself, "Today is the Day." He then subsequently turned on Ganxta's Paradise by Coolio on his stereo and hopped out of his large bed. He didn't even bother turning up for meals. He had one priority today: to decorate the dungeons. He got on the phone to his secretary and called for everything to be in place, slipped on his bathrobe, and marched down to the dungeons.

"A little glitter here, and a little glitter there. Oh! I must make this like space, Oh that is good," Dumbledore was saying to himself. Within an hour he created some sort of tunnel that leads to a slide that leads to a room. He had the Nearly Headless Nick set up as the DJ. Apparently in back in the day, Nick used to spin some pretty hot shit. Now after decorating, Dumbledore left the party chamber to prepare for the night.

Three showers, two moisturizing facial scrubs, 23 clothing changes, an eyebrow wax, and 3 botox injections later found Dumbledore staring into his wardrobe. Hmmm. There was nothing to wear! _Oh God, _ he thought, _everyone is going to make fun of me! I must remain calm. There's got to be a spell for this. _ With that, Dumbledore ran to his private library and found a book on the wardrobe. It was a bit old, but it would work. The Classic Wizard's Wardrobe: The Pimp Edition by Snoop Dogg. He opened the book, which wasn't really one as it was only one page with two words on it: Pimperus Modus. _Ahhh yes, _ thought Dumbles, _I long forgot about that spell._ He snapped the book shut and returned to his wardrobe. He cast the spell and peered into his closet. It was filled with white pants, white leather pants, purple leather pants, purple pants, white hats, gold chains, pimp sticks, wife beaters, white jackets, purple jackets, purple furry hats, and everything pimp beyond the mortal imagination. Dumbledore gazed with wonder at a ring emblazoned with the diamond letters P-I-M-P across four fingers. Surely he had read of this ring many times in books, letters, and journals of wizards seeking this precious ring. It was known as the P ring or the Ringus Pimpulus. It gave the wearer +10 pimping skills. Many wizards would have died just to look at it. Those that would die to look at it obviously weren't very smart though.

Two hours later found Albus fashionably late for his own party and looking pimptastic. He bit peeves on the way down to the dungeons, he and kicked Cornelius Fudge, who thought he was invited to this little shindig. Albus' gold robes were a great touch, not to mention his braided beard, gold pimp stick, and platform gold shoes. He arrived on a descending platform into the center of the party with a slamming introduction. _Oh this is good, very very good. I am so popular. Now where are my bitches at?_ Dumbledore glanced around and saw Minerva in a black mini dress chatting to Madame Pomfrey, who was wearing a tube top and pink hot pants.

The party was definitely hoppin'. Potter was dancing/ dry humping the Malfoy boy and Riddle, that sneaky bastard. The bartender was sword fighting the Spanish Inquisition, and Hermione and Ronald were playing a game with whips off in the corner with Pansy and Goyle. There was a dance off beginning. Lee Jordan started out with some sort of spinning move that turned into a flip. Harry returned it with 'the lawn mower'. Ouch. Harry was badly served. Albus felt bad about the serving Harry had taken from the dance off, and decided to join Harry at the bar. Albus gave him some priceless advice and made off with his bitches.

Dumbledore woke up in a puddle of some unknown liquid. _Oh dear god, I really hope that isn't my own piss. I mean, I've done enough of ...that lately. I'll take it wasn't a sober night last night..._ Moments later Dumbledore found out it was just a leaky faucet and he had fallen asleep on his bathroom floor. Relieved, Dumbledore wandered out of the bathroom and stared at his bed for a couple seconds trying to remember the previous night.

**Flashback (a/n: I love these)**

After dancing with Minerva and Poppy, the three wandered into Hogsmeade slightly drunk and tripping on shrooms they found in the potions lab. Dumbledore attempted to pick up the barmaid at the three broomsticks, a dementor, a random witch, and Keith Richards. He was successful on all attempts, as all of these individuals including Minerva and Poppy were lying in expansive bed, along with the random witch's husband. _Damn, _ Albus thought, _ I can't ride into the sunset with all these people... or can I?_ And with that, three hours later after everyone was up and breakfasted, and after the fight between Keith Richards and the door, Dumbledore and his group of bitches rode into the sunset.


End file.
